Mind Explosion

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Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:44:48 -0500

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Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:40:08 -0500

12975.) I tell people that I stay awake until the early hours of the morning everyday because I have insomnia. The real reason I'm up so late is because I don't try to go to sleep. All of the thoughts that run through my head as I lay in bed in total silence are the reason that I keep my mind occupied until I cannot stay awake any longer. I can't stand to think about what is going on and what has gone on in my life.

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:33:00 -0500

Being heavily medicated would be nice, but I’m all out. These...

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:30:30 -0500

Being heavily medicated would be nice, but I’m all out. These pills sedate my mind and let me rest. They bring me to the universe of slumber, where I can escape reality and slip into the state of REM. Without them, the thought of you encircles my mind and these thoughts are filled with anxiety. I’ve tried escaping these thoughts but they come back and haunt me, time after time. Remembering that you used distance as an excuse was just a bunch of bullshit.

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Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:28:35 -0500

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Thu, 13 Aug 2009 01:10:49 -0400

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Thu, 13 Aug 2009 01:08:21 -0400

"You do know that when you have a girlfriend you don’t fuck other girls right?"

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:55:13 -0400

“You do know that when you have a girlfriend you don’t fuck other girls right?”

- kaitlyn jernigan,

I like when you bring up little things we've talked about in the past. For awhile, it actually makes me think you still care.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:49:12 -0400

WAIT- they don't love you the way i do.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:47:08 -0400

this is my decision.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:42:32 -0400

this is my decision.

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Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:40:21 -0400

One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don’t.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:32:11 -0400

"Does it usually take this long for you to come back to me? It feels like years have passed since..."

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:29:55 -0400

“

Does it usually take this long for you to come back to me? It feels like years have passed since I’ve been in your arms. Times like this, I wonder if I ever will be again. You know I need you. Stop doing this, the days are getting longer, I am getting worse, and my lungs are feeling the weight of my heart. I hear your over-used name everyday. My body jerks, my mind flashes your face and my head spins with your words. Did you listen to one of our songs today? I listened to all of them. Read our messages. Analyzed our words. I shouldn’t have said that, I shouldn’t have said that. Is that why you’re so distant? Is that why it’s taking longer for you to return? No. No, it can’t be. I know this is the way you are, the way you’ve been, and the way you always will be. That’s why my heart breaks. It’s in the palm of your hand, you keep throwing it in the trash, then deciding to fish it back out. As more hurt piles on top of me, you find me again, and make it worth everything. I’ll stay at the bottom for as long as you want. But I’ve been low for too long again, and I’m afraid this time you won’t be able to find me. The dig will be too deep for something that isn’t worth it. I’m trying to find my way out, my way up, I need to breathe. Just go back. Remember how you felt about me last week? Use that, get me out of here. Touch me. Feel me, want me, you know you can. This silence makes me crazy. The silence of touch, of words. Is this the last time, will I ever hear us again?

I want you. (for awhile)
I want you too. (forever)

”

- this is to you.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:29:04 -0400

and the worst part is you just expect me back

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:21:43 -0400

There is no trying, no second guessing if I still need you. You know I’ll come running back into your arms with mine wide open, and I’ll forget. Call me cute, and I’ll forget. I’m yours again. For now, for now until I’m no longer good enough. And I hate this fucking game. I’m breaking down, I’m giving in yet again but this time I see it happening, I see it clearly. Tell me why I do this, but tell me why I’m wrong if it was all for you. I can’t disappoint you and these traps, I’ve set them for myself. I know I have someone else. I know you only want me temporarily. If you could see the things I think instead of the things I say you’d stay away for good. I can’t bring them of the edge of my tounge, or out the ends of my fingertips. And I put up this facade for you because of that ability to crush me. This never ending cycle of uncertainty never fucking stops, but I do it. I do it all for you. And I’m thinking hey, this will be the last time. I’m going back, this is your last chance with me. And I’d believe myself if those weren’t the words I’ve said every time.

bv

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:19:02 -0400

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry

And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

And I hate the feel of rock bottom
That’s when life hurts the most
And I just, I wish it could be over
But it won’t stop, no it won’t stop

And I hate the wind when it messes with my hair
And I hate my scars and how they got there
And I hate the girls that curse like sailors

And I hate the clouds that bring on the storms
And I hate cold air because it’s not warm
And I hate the pain that keeps my heart so sore

I just need you to love me
And maybe, things would be okay.

hi i’d fuck Hayden for the rest of my life

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:17:43 -0400

hi i’d fuck Hayden for the rest of my life

I woke up the same as I did everyday, but something has changed. Everyone has gone insane.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:15:14 -0400

"I always wonder what my parents would do if they knew what I was really like."

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:09:04 -0400

“I always wonder what my parents would do if they knew what I was really like.”

- I guess if I ever feel like blowing their fucking minds I’ll pull out a few secrets and stories.